Ok, let’s be honest. The content of my blog over the last five years has degraded dramatically. The reasons are two-fold #1. The last three pregnancies kind of threw me for a loop and #2. I have been deeply encumbered by an “IT’S ALL ABOUT ME!!!” box. Life before Finneas was all about educating myself and my children, becoming a better and more productive person, and how wonderful my and my children’s lives were going to be. Life after Finneas has been AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I have to admit that when I am pregnant I am a wholely(sp??) selfish person. I live in an an allaboutme box that is filled with “I deserves” and self justifications. I spend about 90% of my day self justifiying and horribilizing my children and husband so that I can feel better about my non-doings. I remember mentioning this phenomenon when I was pregnant with Finneas and I got the same reaction that I do now, that look that says “you are a crazy person”. I have begun to wonder…do other pregnant women suffer from allaboutmeitis during pregnancy? Admittedly I have suffered from deep antepartum depression(during Viriginia’s pregnancy) but during Finn’s and with the current pregnancy I have no depression but I also seem to lack in the ambition and creativity departments as well. I know what I should be doing and yet I self justify myself into bed convincing myself that I deserve to be there, being waited on and pampered and doing absolutely nothing at all. And for the last 5 years I have carried my allaboutme box into my post partum life to the point where I feel I have nothing to show for the last 5 years except photographs.
What does this have to do with the TJEd forum you ask? Well, it was this past Friday and Saturday and during those two days I felt a spark again. That feeling that I have been horribilizing and trying to push away, the one that started me on my homeschool journey at the very beginning, it started to get through! I have been telling myself that TJEd is too difficult for a person like me, that’s why it’s not working. I have started forcing my kids to do their schoolwork and becoming a taskmaster. My 4yo is already starting a “hate of learning” mentality and my 11yo refuses to do anything at all! I have been blaming it on TJEd and now I realize it’s all my fault.
So, I know I can’t change what I have ruined over the last 5 years overnight but I can start. Yesterday I read to my kids for two hours. We read 8 chapters of Little Britches. None of them remembered when we had read it before. Most of them were too little. I am starting with trying to organize our days more efficiently and reading to my kids like I used to with Xander and Sullivan when they were younger. I hear all the time “trust the process” but if the process isn’t happening you can’t expect the same result! No, that’s insane.
So be patient with me readers. It has taken a long time to build this box I am trapped in and I know I will have days that I will want to crawl back in and hide. But I finally feel like there is hope for me again. Hope for me as a mother, an educator and as a contributor to society! I am excited again and I like that!